Not a Top-Ten List

Because it’s Mother’s Day and I’m drinking champagne, a short list of things that I say out loud now that I’m a mom, and they make me chuckle.  (Who body-snatched me, again?)

1.  “I’ve found his feet…Now, where, in God’s name, is the rest of R2D2?”

2.  “Guido rolled under the fridge again?  Okay, just let me get the long-handled spatula and a flashlight.”

3.  “But seriously, babe, what do you think the audience reaction was in 1980?  Because Empire Strikes Back is honestly SUCH a middle-child kind of movie.  I bet people were sort of pissed.”

4.  “All right, you can have another cupcake but the next thing you eat is GONNA be growing food.”

5.  “Who taught you that word?”

6.  “Don’t you call me a ‘poo-poo head’!  You are on TIME-OUT.  ‘Poo poo’ is absolutely not an appropriate thing to say to me!”

7.  “I really hope she poops before it’s time to leave.”

8.  “I need you to go in your room and think about what kind of boy you want to be today.”

9.  “I think if you stopped looking at your food so carefully and just took a bite, you’d be a happier person.”

10.  “I can’t believe you ate five Star Wars pancakes, Pancake Machine.  I know
you’re gonna kill it at soccer later.  Because of the pancakes.  Energy.  Star Wars pancake energy.  FORCE.”

11.  “If you break the TV throwing your Legos, the person who’s going to suffer is you, because you won’t be able to watch Jake and the Neverland Pirates tomorrow.”

12.  “The kids slept until 6:15 this morning.  It was AMAZING.  I feel so refreshed.”

13.  “If she’s pulling your hair, MOVE.  If he’s knocking your tower over, PLAY ELSEWHERE.  This is a small place.  Find a way to co-exist.”

15.  “I’ve decided that peanut butter is a vegetable.  It’s making me feel better about things.”

16.  “Seriously, you guys, I cannot break a sweat every time it’s time to put on shoes.  I need you to cooperate tomorrow.  Can I get a high-five here?  Cooperation high-fives?”

17.  “The party starts at 7:00?  Why so late?  Who are these people?

(No way they have kids.)

Happy Mother’s Day.  Sante!

 

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